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Conservative Movie

While perusing the Right side of the blogosphere recently, I encountered the usual smattering of declarations that the Main Stream Media has a leftist agenda. I traded comments with some tool on a conservative website where I tried to explain that, with the exception of some independent magazines and newspapers in major markets, the vast majority of the media messages that are propagated in America are the products of giant media conglomerates that really only care about profits. I suggested that if he didn't like the messages presented in the news, perhaps he shouldn't blame those who deliver the news, but those who create the news via their colossal and costly miscalculations and, in some cases, crimes. This tool then tried to tell me that Fox News was the only news network that presents, "both sides of every story." The idea that Fox News is even remotely "Fair and Balanced" is so laughable that I don't even know where to begin. This is a news organization that, when sued by a media-conscious party that charged that "Fair and Balanced" was false advertising, defended itself by arguing that it was not really a news organization at all, but an entertainment company and, therefore, its news reporting wasn't intended to be taken seriously.


I could go on and on, but any reality-based person who has watched five minutes of Fox News knows what a joke it is. But there are still those who have guzzled so much of the right-wing Kool-Aid that they are convinced, (much the same way that Truthers are convinced that explosives were planted in the World Trade Center and it was those explosions, and not the tons of burning Type A jet fuel, that caused the towers to collapse) that absolutely no amount of evidence that contradicts their prejudices will interfere with their faith in Fox News and the great Right-Wing Noise Machine.

This got me thinking. Somebody should make a big-budget Hollywood movie that caters to core Right Wing tastes and beliefs (I hesitate to use the term, "values"). There wouldn't be much dialogue, or even much of a story. No characters would not need to be developed. (Production could start amid the writers' strike.) What it would have, though, is one scene after another depicting America's military might in all its glory. It might be called, "Conservative Movie."

There would be lots of explosions. Everybody likes watching shit blow up. Cruise missiles would slam into mosques. Helicopter gunships would fire large-caliber bullets and rockets on shady figures in apartment buildings. There would be some scenes where towel-heads are tortured to within an inch of their lives. Viewers might assume that the targeted people are terrorists, but that wouldn't be made clear in the film, much the same way that in real life, the people whom we are locking away forever might or might not be actual terrorists (pronounced "tearrists" in the few spoken lines of the film). After every explosion, every torture episode, American servicemen would hi-five one another and exclaim the occasional "Boo-Yaah."

After a fun hour or so of torture and explosions, there would be a climax of sorts where the American military who are still in the States go house-to-house rounding up citizens who aren't sufficiently patriotic: people who whine about the illegitimacy of invading sovereign states without provocation; people who wonder how the government plans to pay for a billion-dollar-a-week war when it becomes clear that the oil-revenues-will-pay-for-it strategy proves to be a colossal miscalculation; people who question why corporations with close ties to the American Administration are awarded no-bid contracts to pay people four times a soldier's salary to drive empty trucks around the country that we invaded. Even good Republicans like Ron Paul would be rounded up for questioning the constitutionality of the invasion of Iraq.

Upon rounding these traitors up, they would be corralled into the infield of a NASCAR track in Alabama and executed en masse by machine gun fire just before a race on a sunny Sunday morning. In acknowledgement of the Right's commitment to the sanctity of life, this would be followed by a prayer to The Lord to save unborn fetuses. This prayer would immediately be followed by a condemnation of supposed communists' plans to provide healthcare to infants born to impoverished and/or uninsured parents.

This film would be a smash hit in the old Confederacy and Texas. It would make money hand over fist. It would run on weekends at local theaters for years as the "Midnight Movie."

Can I get a backer?

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