The Onion: Cheney Dunk Tank Raises $800 Billion For Nation:
"The water's great," Cheney said moments after being dunked by third-grader Sean Biller, who traveled all the way from Denver for his chance to meet the former vice president. "Hopefully your unemployed dad can afford to give you money for another turn."
Unlike Biller, who carefully threw the ball at the bull's-eye, many citzens opted instead to aim directly at the head and chest of the 67-year-old politician.
One contestant who struggled to hit the target was Sen. John Kerry (D-MA). After nearly 20 unsuccessful tries, several of which involved Kerry standing well ahead of the thrower's line, carnival officials finally allowed Kerry to just walk up and press the button with his hand.
Other carnival highlights included "Crazy Rahm's Guess Your Weight" game, President Carter's face painting station—which raised $52.75—and Laura Bush winning her third consecutive demolition derby. Still, the main attraction remained Cheney, who several times sprayed the crowd with a Super Soaker, suffered an estimated 1,396 assassination attempts, and once suggested that participants with weak arms be sent to Iraq "to toughen up."