We at POLJUNK have our hands full what with all the right-wing violence erupting around the nation and the release of Neil Young's Archives Vol.1. It aint' easy keeping up with international affairs too. But we try and here's how Glorious Noise founder Jake Brown and I have analyzed (via Instant Messenger) the upcoming Iranian election. Hold on to your hats, folks, the brain power is jacked up to eleven.
[13:00] Jake: you know what's weird? i'm really excited about iran's election.
[13:00] Jake: i generally don't care about foreign affairs whatsoever
[13:01] Phil: why do you hate Ringo?
[13:01] Jake: ha
[13:01] Phil: that's about the only right-wing meme I find funny
[13:01] Jake: npr has been spinning it like Bush vs. Obama round 2
[13:01] Phil: calling him Ringo is funny
[13:01] Jake: that is funny
[13:02] Phil: I don't know enough about the opposition to know who to root for
[13:02] Phil: I know he campaigns with his lady, which is a big deal to reformists
[13:02] Jake: yeah, there's one dude who i guess really wailed on him during the debate
[13:02] Phil: for not keeping his old lady in place?
[13:03] Jake: which apparently is the only time in Iran that it's ok to publically say the prez sucks
[13:03] Jake: no the other way around
[13:03] Jake: i don't know either of their names of course
[13:03] Phil: oh I see
[13:03] Jake: (i can barely remember Jennifer Aniston! so how am i supposed to remember mujahhabeen or whatever)
[13:04] Phil: Enter: Ringo!
[13:04] Jake: nice
[13:04] Jake: that's handy!
[13:04] Jake: so anyway i hope the main challenger beats ringo
[13:04] Phil: but is the new dude cooler than Ringo?
[13:04] Phil: I really don't know
[13:05] Jake: sounds like it
[13:05] Phil: let's call him Gary Powell
[13:05] Phil: I hope Gary Powell beats Ringo for president of Iran!
[13:05] Jake: they interview a bunch of young educated Iranians and they all liked gary powell
[13:05] Jake: young educated Iranians are cool
[13:05] Jake: they sound super hip
[13:05] Phil: Oh, I like Gary Powell too then
[13:05] Phil: Go Gary Powell!
[13:05] Jake: their English is better than most Americans'
[13:06] Phil: Oh yeah, I love listening to those kids talk
[13:06] Phil: that cool, slight accent, like formal English or something
[13:06] Jake: totalle
[13:06] Phil: is that Iranian?
[13:06] Phil: totalle
[13:06] Phil: I like it
[13:06] Jake: yeah, smart Indians sound like that too
[13:07] Phil: they learn grammar
[13:07] Phil: do you ever diagram sentences with your Indian friends?
[13:07] Phil: like at lunch or something?
[13:07] Jake: totally
[13:07] Phil: do they like Ringo or Gary Powell?
[13:08] Jake: who cares what Indians think?
[13:08] Jake: is Iran even close to India?
[13:08] Phil: not me
[13:08] Phil: it's kinda close
[13:08] Jake: oh
[13:08] Jake: oh well
[13:09] Phil: still, everyone should choose sides. Didn't you learn anything from Bush?
[13:09] Jake: yes. to avoid watching political tv.
[13:10] Phil: Jesus, I wish I'd learned that lesson
[13:11] Phil: Anyhow, I am now firmly on Team Gary Powell for the Iranian election
[13:11] Jake: cool. it's tomorrow right?
[13:11] Jake: because i hate waiting for things
[13:12] Phil: Is Iran's tomorrow actually today in the real world?
[13:12] Phil: maybe he's already won and we're friends now!
[13:12] Jake: whoa. trippy
[13:13] Phil: do you feel different; like we're now buddies with that weird smelly kid we always hated in middle school but now he's kinda cool because he has an Xbox and his sister's kinda hot?
[13:14] Phil: and he stopped talking about "the Jews" all the time?
[13:14] Phil: because that shit is annoying
[13:15] Jake: Like our friend [Matt, a friend from high school]
[13:16] Phil: yeah, is Iran now Matt?
[13:16] Jake: maybe
[13:16] Jake: probably more like [Brent, another friend from high school]
[13:16] Jake: still might go off and rip off his shirt at any moment
[13:16] Phil: Oh no, Iran can't keep his shirt on
[13:16] Phil: and eats tuna all day
[13:16] Phil: great
[13:17] Phil: where's Ringo?
[13:20] Jake: peace and love, peace and love
[13:20] Jake: you think that's why Ringo stopped accepting fan mail?
[13:20] Jake: because he was pissed about how things were going in Iran?
[13:20] Phil: He is awfully busy
[13:22] Phil: He has to run a post-revolutionary Islamic Republic; develop nuclear weapons; harass the most powerful nation in the world; and develop The Beatles Rock Band (available in fine stores everywhere on 9/9/2009)...that's a full plate, man
[13:23] Jake: that's true
[13:31] Jake: i'm probably not going to be as upset as i was in 2004 though if ringo wins
[13:32] Phil: no, because having an enemy gives something to concentrate on
[13:34] Jake: hey if you ever come across a "the ayatolla is an assahola" shirt or bumper sticker from the 80s, will you pick it up for me?
[13:34] Jake: because that's awesome
[13:34] Jake: remember those?
[13:34] Phil: I do and my dad probably has a box of 'em in the attic
[13:34] Jake: sweet!
[13:35] Jake: men's medium, please
[13:36] Phil: we should make some from POLJUNK and put them in the GLONO cafepress store
[13:36] Jake: yes
[13:36] Jake: ha ha
[13:36] Jake: googling...
[13:37] Phil: take THAT socialists!
So now you can be an informed voter (if you're in Iran) or a mildly entertained but mostly detached and indifferent reader (if you're in America). You're welcome.